The Chapters of My Life

It has been some time since I last posted. I've been thinking about posting for a while now but I'm just getting to it now. I believe it has been 21 weeks since my last post. A lot has happened in that time frame. I completed my internship. I don't really need to go into that. It was a fantastic experience and hopefully they call me to come back, if not, then that's fine. I'm not as worried about obtaining a job as before. Don't get me wrong though, I still think about all the time. It doesn't feel as intense as it did before.

I've been going to Martial arts more consistently now. I feel good about that. I love learning new techniques and I feel that I'm slowly getting better. I know that I'm blocking more as well. I feel that I need to learn how to throw punches quicker and better. Also, I think I need to practice reading people on their movements. I'm sure all of this will come with time.

I'm also working out more consistently. I want to lose some weight since I weigh about 180. Back home, I believe I'm the lightest person in my group. Everyone is over 200 pounds and I don't want to see myself like that. I'm very determined to become fit and living a healthier lifestyle. Next semester, I plan to cook more often and by doing this I hope that my diet will become much better. I'm also very determined to lose weight and become fitter because I'll be travelling to Puerto Rico in May. I want to look good when I go down there so that I can have as much fun as I possibly can. I have to say, I'm extremely excited for this trip because it will be my first real vacation since '07. I also want to start travelling more. At least once a year, I'd like to go somewhere. It could be somewhere in the US or (preferably) to another country. I know that everyone doesn't have a lot of money but I see people our age, people that I know, that travel to Las Vegas, the Caribbean and other places. I want my group to be able to do this as well.

What else?

I dealt with a situation the other day dealing with m virginity. It was on Friday and I was made fun of by some people I was with. Now, when people make fun of me I usually can get over it fairly quickly or I'll say something back which makes the feeling go away immediately. This time, I couldn't say anything because I was the only virgin. Even my friends gave me a look like "Are you really a virgin?". Maybe it was because I hadn't mentioned it before. I usually try not to mention it because I know that this situation usually occurs. Most of the time, I don't say anything and people will assume that I'm not a virgin just because of the way I act. Now, I could never understand why people think this. I can't really see it. Anyway, back to what I felt. The comment had stuck with me for some time. I'm still thinking about it as I write this. It really hurt and still does. To add to it all, I had sort of a "support group" when it came to sex and other things. A couple of my friends were in the same situation that I was in (situation meaning that their partner didn't want to have sex but they did). We would talk about it every now and then but last week the two people that I talk to about it had sex with their partner and of course I was happy for them. I didn't want it to seem like I was... I'm not sure of the word I would use here. Betrayed? I feel like that word is too strong because they are still my friends and I have nothing against them. Left out, maybe? I'm not sure. Whatever, it doesn't matter. Anyway, I asked them how it was and they said it hurt (being that these two friends are girls) but that it got better each time. I didn't need to know that but they wanted to tell so I didn't say anything. After they told me this they asked if I had done anything and I said no. I felt as if they were giving me the same look that my friends gave me like "why haven't you?". Even when I explain it, they still don't seem to understand. This all affected my day on Friday. In class I was daydreaming more than I ever had, I didn't really care about what we were learning and when I was called on I didn't know any of the answers. Then the situation happened with my friends so that really put me down. I wondered if, my friends back home were going through anything like I experienced. I never thought that it would play out this way. I always envisioned something else but I guess I have to adapt to change, right? Adaptation...a sort of survival of the fittest mental state or evolving in response to change.

I wonder if I'm the last one in my group back home. Am I the last? I couldn't imagine myself being the last. I guess this "am I the last" mentality comes from guys. With guys it's always who can get it first. That goes for anything. Electronics, cars, toys, games, anything. Who has the biggest tv? Who has the best surround system? Who can get it first? I don't mean for that to be my mentality. It's slowly changing now, well at least I hope it is. Maybe it will change for the better but that may just be who I am. I've liked it since the day I heard about it. It's been in me for so long and I love every aspect of it. But I had to change, at least that part of me. Survival of the fittest, if I wasn't about to change then there would be no us.

Alright time to get off that topic. I'm rambling now.

Later in the evening, I went to a muay thai and boxing fight. This of course, made me feel a lot better. I was with people from my martial arts school and I love fighting. I have to say, even though I get hit in the face, stomach or my legs, I love every minute of fighting. We (my school) had two people fighting. One was boxing and the other was muay thai. The boxer lost but the muay thai fighter won. This was extremely good for us because he won a national title so it was a big deal. I'm not sure if he is looking to go into MMA but I know that he trains in it and I believe he has many sponsors and companies looking at him. I'm sure that he will do a lot in the future.

I was with Pop and Ghee and we were walking through this arcade/restaurant type place when Pop said that they were going downhill because they weren't taking care of the place. He said he could give me a perfect example of this right in the arcade. The dream switched to the arcade being destroyed and there was this girl walking around in just a t shirt and thong because she was going to the bathroom at the time when the building collapsed. The arcade looked like it was built in the middle of Chinatown because it had an asian themes on the outside of it. They believed the arcade/mall was destroyed because of a major earthquake. I started walking towards the arcade and I met with Kanye West, who seemed to be mixed with my Uncle Chet who was talking to this girl. He introduced me and behind me came Lil Wayne and a lot of his fans. We started to walk back to were I was originally standing and West and Wayne disappeared. I walked towards this car (it looked like a Bentley) and Usher was inside. The car was on a aircraft carrier and I assumed that this is where I was before. Then, in the sky, there were 4 asteroids coming down towards earth. We started running. We, meaning, two other people and this girl who was carrying her baby. I was trying to count the asteroids but they started coming down too fast.

That's all I remember. The dream was very vivid though as if I was watching a movie or something. The aircraft carrier, asteroids and earthquake were all from the movie 2012.

I was at work and around 6:15 or so I started getting messages from Jess saying that Michael Jackson had died. I was in complete disbelief. I kept denying it and other people around the office started talking about it and trying to find if it was true. We went on CNN to see if they confirmed it and all it said was that he had been taken to the hospital in cardiac arrest and that he wasn't doing well. It also said that paramedics found him not breathing in his home. Finally, I received a text from NY Times confirming that he had died. He was only 50 years old.

I have to be honest. When I received that text, I felt weird. I checked facebook when I got home and this one girl said that a part of her musical soul had died. I guess I felt the same way. I mean, Michael had always been around when I was growing up and I had always loved his music. I wanted to look like him when I was younger and I was always trying to dance like him. I just finished watching about 5 or so music videos such as Billie Jean, Bad, Thriller, The Way You Make Me Feel and others. I love and will always love Michael. I still can't believe that he's gone.


RIP Michael Jackson

I finished my first week at GS and it feels good. I logged about 50 hours and that is huge for me since I've never worked that much in my life. I can't talk about it too much here because they may find it so I'll talk about it in my other journal.

In other news, I've decided (for now) that I will pursue a Masters in Economics. I would love to be able to go to London School of Economics. They have a 10 month program that is a masters in Management and Economics. That would be a fantastic degree to have. I've also looked up masters in applied mathematics, economics, and strategy. I would love to have a masters in applied mathematics because I would be able to go to so many more places than just having an economics degree. Even if I don't, the degree in management and economics would allow me to go most places except for the sciences.

Also, I've looked into a program called Semester at Sea which involves taking a trip around the world for about 100 days on a cruise ship. This sounds great because we would visit about 10 or 12 different countries during our journey. I would also be taking classes on the ship. The only thing is that I think that maximum amount of credits you can take is 12 so that wouldn't really work out for me unless I overloaded while I'm at Pace. I will definitely look into this more because I really want to be able to see the world while I can.

I was in some type of community. I remember that whenever a person was dying or couldn't breathe, I would give them CPR. I saved a lot of people since I seemed to be the only one able to do it. At the end of my dream, I remember I had to escape the community because they were rounding up people or something. I was running in the dark down a steep hill and there was this person chasing me. There seemed to bee trenches in the hill which made it easier to climb but for some reason I was running on top of them. The person finally got closer to me and I decided to trip them so that they would roll down the hill. Then, I guess, I switched people and I was the person chasing someone.

I can't remember much from this dream but it was definitely a weird one.

I was in New York City and I was staying in a dorm somewhere. I remember Kyle (my roommate) being there and we went outside to go to the subway. The subway was very different than what is actually here. I remember the subway map was very different as well so I decided not to take the subway and I headed back to street level. I was walking next to some people walking their dogs and they looked like they were about to run in front of traffic so I tried to whistle so they wouldn't do that.

After walking for a while, I remember that I was getting married to a girl named Malaika (which is a girl in my Stats and Speech class). I remember doing a run through of the wedding and then people were going to look for accessories for the wedding and I was told that I couldn't come along. I couldn't go because they told me that it was bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. I realized after a while that getting married wasn't a good idea and I thought maybe that the wedding wasn't going to be real. I called Ghee and told her that I didn't want to get married but she said that I shouldn't back out of the wedding. That didn't help me so I called Pop and I think he said the same thing. I began walking again and I ended up in a sports store (like Sports Authority or Dick's). I remember meeting an NFL player there and he was putting up his memorabilia. I didn't know who he was until I saw the things he was putting up. While I was talking to this guy, I realized that I was with this girl. I can't remember what she looked like but she asked me if I wanted to spar with her and I said yes. We started fighting in the store and somehow she flipped me over her and I landed on my back. It looked like a Judo throw. I remember asking her if she could teach me that and she told me that she would. So we started walking around the store looking for a place to practice and then I woke up.

I was told that there was a large hostage situation and I was to report to this prison. I knew I could free the hostages because I had done this many times before. I remember the man telling me that there was a new part to the prison and it started with the letter U. This is where they kept the most dangerous people. The hostages were children, some people I knew from school and other people from random places. I remember all of the police were in one area with their guns aimed and laser sights pointed at a wall. I walked in extremely confident and passed them. I said excuse me and let me through. People were in disbelief that I was actually there and they let me pass. I walked right into the area where the people were being held. The bad guys knew I was one of them so they let me in. I remember acting very crazy so that they would believe that I was in on the situation. As I walked in I remember taking in one of the police officers and I told him that as soon as we enter, within 30 seconds, I want you to lay on the ground. He did as he was told so it looked like I had taken him hostage. I remember talking to some of the people but I'm not sure what it was about. I also remember that there were many candles and I was lighting them. Some of them weren't lighting for some reason because they had some weird scars or scabs on them. At the end of my dream I was walking back towards the office who was laying on the ground and I saw another one of the bad guys take the pistol from his back pocket. As he was doing this I hit him in the throat which either killed or incapacitated him. I dragged him back to the police officers and went back in. No one noticed that he was gone.

Economic Immigrants (those who come to the US on their own and are legal) have many factors that contribute to their migration. Many come from poverty, economic catastrophe and discriminatory countries. The "pull" factor in the US (I'm using this country because this is where a lot of immigration happens and it's where I live) is that there are better opportunities such as employment, less/no discrimination and stability.

Once they begin working and they learn the language (if they don't already) they will have a higher growth rate in wages compared to natives (people who are born and live in the country). There are many reasons for this exponential growth but I'll list two of them. First, natives are more likely to let immigrants have the jobs that they don't want to do. Also, natives take many things for granted in their own country. Secondly, immigrants come to the US with one thing in mind and that is to be successful. They are also extremely motivated so they are willing to take low paying jobs understanding that they never had this opportunity before.

Next, are the children of immigrants. Children of immigrants are more likely to be more motivated than their parents because their parents push them extremely hard causing them to have a certain mindset. Of course, this doesn't happen with every immigrant's child but this is the overall view. I've experienced this in high school with my friends. I know a few people that had parents that pushed them extremely hard because they knew that going through a quality school is something they didn't have at that age. This causes trickle down effect because when the children grow up they are more likely to do the same to their children and those children will do the same to thiers and so on.

Lastly, illegal immigration undermines legal immigration. Illegal immigrants are constantly attempting to get into the country while legal immigrants wait years for official documents to work. Illegal immigrants are always going to try and undermine the system. The government understands this and could possibly deport all of them if they really wanted to. They don't because it is less expensive to keep them than to deport them. It's all costs and benefits.

Overall, I liked this topic today because it made a lot of sense to me. I understood why so many kids in high school were under so much pressure from their parents and when they received bad grades they said "I don't want to go home" or "I can't show this to them". They were also upset when they received low grades on a test (low meaning a B-). They had a motivation that I couldn't understand until now. I wish I could have that motivation. I think I would be a better person overall. I feel that I would've had this motivation for the rest of my life and I would be able to pass it on. No one ever pushed me to do anything. Now I wish they had. I have been trying to create my own motivation but it comes and goes. Maybe I just haven't found the correct thing to motivate me. I'm not sure. I'll just have to keep trying for now.

I thought I would give an update since I'm just relaxing right now.

Lately, I've been obsessed with Martial Arts. I'm not really sure why. I've always had an interest in it but I guess since I actually started do it I think my interest has grown tremendously. I really want to try a lot of styles as well. I think it will help me greatly towards my fitness goals and give me confidence if I were ever to be in a fight. I'm lucky I've never had to defend myself except in very small situations. I'm not sure how I would've handled myself never mind protect anyone.

It's really consuming me though. I've been watching UFC fights, kung fu movies and looking up different styles all the time. I guess it's good though. It will make me get out and look for new places to practice and study.

Anyway, on to other things.

Yesterday I went to walk around the Wall St. area and find out how long it will take me to get to Goldman Sachs. It took me about 30 minutes or so but I was taking my time and I added a few minutes in for getting into the building and taking the elevator. I was also thinking about taking the train to get a little closer just in case it's raining.

I'm very excited about doing the internship this summer. I'm a little nervous about starting. I just hope to make a good impression so that I'll be able to come back again or even get a better internship somewhere else. I'm still not exactly sure what I want to do though so this internship will definitely help. I think next time I'm going to apply to the research division because I read that they have the opportunity to travel all over the world for conferences. I really want to travel so this would be a good fit.

Well that's all for now.

I've been having consistent dreams for the past few days, maybe even more than that. I can't remember them all in detail but I know that in one of them I was trying to kill my Ghee because she was trying to kill me. I remember doing a piledriver on her down the stairs, attempting to break her neck, but she got up right after that. I remember doing this all in her house too.

As for the other dreams I really don't remember much except for the one I just had last night.

The dream I had last night had many things in it. I remember there was Shanay, my mom, my dad and myself. Shanay was complaining how my dad didn't let her do anything even though she was old enough. We were in a grassy area at the beginning of some forest. I think there was a house nearby but I don't think it was ours. Secondly, I was dating my cousin (Brianna) and we knew it was awkward or something like that and we didn't talk to each other for a while. We were having Thanksgiving over my grandmother's house and she came over. Then made her laugh so that it wouldn't be awkward. After that, we complained about there not being any chicken fingers because we usually had them over Thanksgiving. Lastly, I remember playing Final Fantasy except the levels were really different and I was also in the video game. I remember talking to Yuna about having children and she said how she would like having some but knew that they would be troublesome.

That's all I can remember right now.

I'm finally taking martial arts and so far I've done a kicking practice (a part of Phase 1 which goes over all basic moves)and a boxing class. I was sore from the first class and then today I did the boxing class. I haven't been really hit before, at least not in a boxing way, and it was a surprise how much it would push me in a direction. I love it so far though. Tomorrow, I'm going to do Phase 1 again and that could be anything. I may stay for a second class but I'm not sure yet. I said I was going to try and do that today but I felt like I should take it easy for the first couple days so I'll see how I feel tomorrow. Everyone there seems pretty nice though and they understood that I was just learning so they helped me out.

I hope I'll be able to take it over the summer because I really want to get better. If not, then I'll definitely take it again in September.

I received the best call this morning and it was from Goldman Sachs stating that I had the internship for their summer program. I didn't know what to say because I had just got up when they called. I'll be making approximately $8500 over the summer which is more than I've probably ever made in my entire "working career". I'm extremely excited for it. For the first time, I'm really excited about meeting the other interns. I feel that this is going to be one of the best experiences of my life. I have to call them back on Monday to officially accept the offer (which obviously I'm going to do because I haven't heard from anyone else). I feel that this is definitely one of the first major events that have happened in my life. My grandmother said that it was time for something good to come along because my life has been messed up.

So far, I'm the farthest in my entire family. It feels weird. It also make me nervous because I don't have anyone to ask for advice. Don't get me wrong, I can still go to my family but no one has the actual experience of an internship or the full college experience right after high school. We are all learning. My grandfather and uncle say that they are living through me because if they could do it all over again, they would do everything that I am doing right now.

The only thing that is bad about it is that I won't be able to see Jess as much as I would like. I had a lot of plans in my head about this summer if the internship didn't come along. I was going to do dance classes with her, take up martial arts and take classes at Framingham State so that I would be ahead of my credits. So now I have to start thinking about what I can do here. I still don't know all of the information yet and how my day is going to be scheduled. Hopefully everything will work out for the best and I'll be able to see Jess and take up some martial arts.

As you can tell I haven’t posted anything in quite some time because I haven’t had my computer since my last entry. I had to take my computer to best buy to get it fixed and came back to NYC without it. They had my computer for 6 weeks and it cost $923 to fix it but the insurance covered it so we didn’t have to pay anything.

Anyway, I won’t update on much because a lot has happened and I don’t feel like writing about it right now and I also have to study for a microeconomics quiz and create a speech for tomorrow so I will be busy today. Maybe I will try some other time.

Today was a little rough. It may just be rough because I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough today and I saw someone else’s resume and they had much more than I did. She was a much better student than I was. It looked like an ideal resume to me. I keep saying that I want to achieve that status where I feel that I’m doing well in my classes and becoming an overall better student and person. For some reason, I have yet to achieve this feeling or goal. I’m not sure what you would call it. I just felt really down today and I didn’t want to do anything. I want to do better and I just don’t know how. I know how to do it, well I think so, and I never seem to do it. I got that feeling again today. Only if I knew where it would take me, then it would happen. I don’t know where I’d go and I know that it would hurt a lot of people that I care about. So I won’t do that.

A couple of days ago I found out that NYU is offering a Master’s of Science degree in Global Affairs and it really interested me but I’m not sure if that would lead me to my ideal goal. I’m still really interested in it though and will continue to look into it. I’ve probably discussed this before but I really would like to go into consulting, specifically international consulting dealing with economics. I think traveling around the world helping different companies would be fascinating and extremely rewarding. That would be my ideal job right now. I know that this won’t be my first job or my second and so on but that would be the goal. I still wish to go to London School of Economics to get the Master’s of Science in Economics and Management. I think this degree would allow me to go international. Maybe my degree from Pace will allow me to do that but who knows. Also, I’ve been thinking about living overseas but that idea is still far away. I’ve only thought about it, not anything serious. I obviously would have to go abroad before I could make that type of decision but I think it would be great.

Right now, I’m just not in the mood to do anything but I have to. I need to study. Also, there is something wrong with my livejournal. It won’t let me type anything so I’ve been using a word document and then pasting on livejournal.

Cheating

If someone cheats on me, it's done. 1 time and that is it. I couldn't trust a person any longer because how would I know if they wanted to do it again? I would become very cautious with everyone and would have to constantly ask where they were going, with who and what time they were going to be back. I always said that I would never be friends with that person again but that isn't true. I'm friends with MC but our friendship will always be much different than it was before. I can't fully trust her and probably never will for a long time. It would be the same with any other person who did that to me.
Now, if I were to cheat, I would never forgive myself because I hate cheaters. It would be a blow to my pride and put me on a lower level than everyone else. I would tell the person I'm with that I cheated and it is up to them to decide what to do with our relationship. I think the thing that would hurt me the most if I cheated would be that everyone would know. The person that I'm with would tell her friends that I cheated and I would forever be known as a cheater. I could never reestablish myself as a better person among those people and even if I did, they would still remember.

Why do people cheat?

I assume people cheat because they aren't sexually or emotionally satisfied, dislike the person they are with or want to have two or more partners. I guess you could also put in sexual fantasies because they want to have that experience with another person just one time. That would probably fall under sexual satisfaction though. Whatever.

Reasons not to Cheat

I would never cheat because of what I stated above about the friends knowing and the blow to my pride. Also, it would be financially difficult especially if that person you cheated with wanted a relationship (i.e. giving gifts for birthday, holidays, dates, etc.). Essentially, you would have to lead a double life with the first person if the second one already accepted that you cheated on another girl. She would probably also want you for herself and pressure you to leave the other girl which would cause arguments or the possibility of her telling the first girl what you were doing. If the second girl didn't know then you would have to lead a complete double life with the friends and family meeting her, the dates with the possiblity of being seen with that girl and the internet. The friends and family meeting her would obviously set off some alarms and for me, my grandparents and mother would not have it. They would probably tell the girl that I was cheating. Secondly, the possiblity of being seen is too great. There's too many people that know me or at least recognize me so that would definitely fail. Lastly, the internet. There's facebook, myspace, email, aim and too many other things to name that would get you trapped.

Overall, I don't know how people do it. I don't want to know how people do it. I could care less about these people because they cheat. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never cheat and I will keep that promise until the day I die.

Well it has been over 4 weeks since I lasted put anything on here according to livejournal. Too much has happened for me to put up here so I won't. I shall "edit" it as I've supposedly done many times before. I don't even remember my last post so I may repeat some things. I could care less.

When I got home for break I got sick with something like a stomach virus. I was down for 4 days but it wasn't really all that bad since there was a snow storm happening at the same time. I threw up for the first time in years and it was a terrible feeling. I will now know, for some time, how it feels to throw up. After this incident, I finally got out of the house and saw Jess for the second time on vacation. I can't remember everything we did but it was the usual things: movies, dinner, lunch, breakfast? (I can't remember if we did breakfast) and other various things. I know that this may sound like it wasn't fun, but it was. It always is. I just can't remember everything we did. I also hung out with the guys (Dan and Ryan) a few times which was great because we always do something different for the most part. When I say different I mean we go to different restaurants or try something new at a place we've already been to. I also hung out with MC a couple times. Twice at her house and once at a restaurant. Cheesecake Factory is definitely my favorite place. Well, maybe not. I tried EO Noodle, a chinese place of course, with Dan and Ryan and that was very, very good.

The relationship with Jess has changed. As I was reading her journal that she gave to me over Christmas break it said that "the honeymoon phase" of our relationship is over. I can agree with this statement because I've made her angry/annoyed at me by not calling on time or by hanging out with MC and we've had more arguments. I know that arguments will be a part of any relationship but it's how we deal with it that will make us different from others. I don't mean to make her angry/annoyed and sometimes I didn't even think I was doing anything wrong. This is all really new to me. I've haven't had many relationships so I really haven't been through much and my life wasn't full of experiences either so I'm a novice. Sometimes I'm not sure how to comfort her and I won't know what to say. Then there is silence and I can't stand that because I'm trying to figure out something to say that will change the conversation or lack thereof to something better. I know that I've failed in "other areas" but I hope to correct that as well. There was nothing wrong with her it was just me. I was nervous, I guess, even though I didn't feel it. Anyway, I promised myself that I would try to be better and that I wouldn't anger her especially with the calling issue. I remember that I used to be very prompt with things like that but lately I've relaxed it. I have no reason on why I relaxed it, it just happened. I don't know. I'm trying. There isn't anything else I can do. I'll try to be better and give it my all because that is what I believe all good relationships require. 100%. I will attempt to "wow" her in as many ways possible. I'm not sure if I can do it with presents because I don't have the money right now but I'm pretty sure there are other ways.

This may be jumbled but I could care less. I just wanted to put this down before I completely forgot it.

I've been on vacation since Tuesday night only because I had to pass in my math final on Wednesday morning. I left at 2:00 and arrived home at South Station aroun 6:20 or so. My mom picked me up and I went to my grandparents' house to get my car and some Chinese food as I usually do.

After eating and catching up with my grandparents for a little bit, I went out to see Jess around 9:30 or so. We relaxed until midnight or so, if I can remember correctly. Then I went home and did some more relaxing in front of the computer and I was extremely happy to be home. Right before I went to sleep I had a weird feeling in my stomach but I ignored it and passed it off as a stomach ache. I woke up around 4am and had to go to the bathroom immediately and my stomach had a pain in it that I had never felt before. I obviously had diarrhea and I felt absolutely terrible. I tried to go back to sleep but the pain was still very strong. I woke up again around 6 and the pain was even worse. My parents and sister were up by now because my sister had to go to school. I laid on the couch and attempted to get more sleep but was unable to.

In the next few hours I was back and forth to the bathroom with the same problem. Around 11, my head began to feel heavy or full of pressure and I told my mom that I felt like I was going to throw up and of course I did. It was the worse feeling I've had in a long time. I threw up about 3 times and then I felt much better but my stomach still had the pain.

The next few days I had the diarrhea and stomach pains to deal with. I'm feeling better right now though. So my first few vacation days haven't been that great but I'm pretty sure that they'll get better.

First, the dream started off with my grandfather and how he was able to swim from somewhere in the Pacific Ocean to India and when I told him this he said it wasn’t possible even though he had already done it. Then the dream changed to these ships that were connected to form “islands”. For some reason, I was leading them toward the ships becoming islands and the people were extremely happy for this because they didn’t know this was possible. I remember one of the girls saying “thank you” for what I had done. Then my dream changed again. Next, I dreamt that I was in a club area but it was in a school. I felt that I had seen this school before. I guess it was a déjà vu feeling. A lot of people were dancing and this girl, I can’t remember what she looked like, asked me to dance. I remember Stephen, Bobby and Justinian being there and they had surprised looks on their faces because I was dancing (something I rarely do). After my dance with the girl, I remember a lot of people getting up and dancing to the song called Music for Love by Mario. I think he was there because a lot of the girls were excited. After this song was done most of the people began to leave and that’s when my dream changed. It changed to me being on a football field with Cody and some other kid. I can’t remember what the other kid looked like but I think we were leaving from the party to go back home. There were other kids on the football field that were throwing bricks towards us. They weren’t trying to hurt us they just liked seeing how close they could get to us. As we were dodging the bricks, we got on the side of the football field next to this old house and one of the bricks hit the house. This house held a creature that didn’t like bricks being thrown at it. The kids wanted to see the creature anyways so they decided to throw bricks at it. As we made our way down the side of the football field, Cody said he also wanted to see the creature. At the end of the football field we saw that there was an empty pool that was very deep and another large empty pool looking area and had another large empty hole within that went even deeper. Cody and the other kid had a grappling hook of some kind and I had nothing that would allow me to get across. Once the creature started to come out, we saw that it was very small and it said that when it is in a lighted area it is fine but when it was in a dark area then it would change to something terrible. So there were a couple lights in the empty pool area so the creature was alright in there but it decided to climb out of the pool and it changed into a large monster. As it was changing, Cody, the other kid and I jumped across the empty pool area and tried to outrun the monster. We made it out before the monster could get us.

Entrepreneur.

I must say I do love that word. To me, it sounds like a person who is extremely intelligent, able to strategically plan a business and succeed. That is what they are.

I have been thinking about being an entrepreneur myself. I'm not sure what I would do though. I'm still in the process of constructing my major and minor so that I will be ready for most things. Currently, I'm an Economics major with no minor. The minors I've been thinking about are management (entrepreneurship), law, computer science and statistics. I have the possibility of doing two minors. I still have to choose which ones I believe will be the most beneficial in the long run. I feel that statistics would give me the mathematical ability to see trends in various markets in be able to predict how things will happen. Management would basically be focusing on entrepreneurship which would (hopefully) give me an idea of what I would like to create and how I would run it. Law would prepare me for the LSATs if I ever were to take them and become a lawyer and computer science would give me that edge that could possibly help in preparing a technological business. I could become an internet entrepreneur which would be beautiful. That's something I would love to do but I'm not sure how I would go about doing that. I don't have an idea for it yet. I'm definitely thinking about it all the time.

Since I mentioned the LSATs, I should talk about it. I became interested in it when I was watching Secret Millionaire on hulu. This man started his own law firm that dealt with foreclosures and bankruptcies. He seemed very intelligent and he was doing very well for himself. I heard that some of my friends are also going for the LSATs so it may be something I'll look into later. Also, if I had the minor in law I would probably be better prepared for the test and the minor would also help my writing, reading and probably speaking skills. I know that I want to take some writing classes and classes that involve a lot of writing so that I will be able to communicate better. I know that my grammar isn't great and I hope to change that.

Lastly, the thought of obtaining a PHd has lost its touch on me. I wanted to get a PHd in Economics but I really don't want to teach and I know I would have to if I wanted this degree. I'm leaning towards the MBA again and also looking at a JD. I would like to get both if it was possible. I know that Harvard has a program like this where you go for 3 years and come out with both degrees. Hopefully by then I should know what I want to do with my life.

I'm in history class not paying attention. I have a hard time paying attention because I don't like the teacher or what I'm learning. Well, I can't say that I don't like learning the subjects in this class because it hasn't been taught very well. I'm bored and distracted as well which doesn't help my learning.

Anyways, I've been thinking a lot about my future. I know that I'm usually doing this but I've been thinking about it more seriously because I'm not sure what I'll be able to do after I graduate. I was always set on doing finance ever since I heard of Goldman Sachs. I dreamed of being rich and having the luxurious life. Houses, cars, money. I didn't need fame nor did I want it. Now that's all changed. The financial world has changed and will be changed forever. I'm not sure if they will have the large profits as they did in the past. That was going to be the way I would achieve so much. I know I should've had a back up plan but I was still really young and in high school where I didn't know much. Pop dealt with finance a lot during his life and his son, Jeff, did really well in finance as well. I wanted to do it so badly after hearing these stories because they sounded so interesting and I saw what they had. Houses, cars and money. That fits with what I want.

Now, that this crisis has happened the world is changing slowly. I don't know what to do. I'm really confused and worried right now because I only have 2 years left and it's coming fast.

What do I do? What can I do? I don't know and I really want to know. Like I said before this will probably past but right now I have no idea what I should do.

I still need someone to talk to and I don't have anyone.

20 days left.

The first semester of my sophmore year is almost over. It's happening so fast and I have yet to do anything exciting. Well, CAU was good for me, something I can tell my child(ren) later on in life. I'm glad and not glad that it's going by so fast. I'm glad it's going fast so that I can leave college and begin my career. What I'm not glad about is I don't know what my career will be. I don't feel that I'm prepared enough to start one (this will probably change as I learn more about whatever it is I want to learn). I just can't see that far and that bothers me. It bothers me because I like to understand what, why, where, when, how things will happen. Who will be friends? Will I still have the same friends? Where am I going to be living? I want to know all of these but no one can tell me. I can't even decide what I want to do in life. I want to be satisfied with what I'm doing. I'm not even sure if I'm happy with my major. Lately, I've wanted to do something scientific because I feel that I could have more opportunities with that. Especially now with all the financial world changing so rapidly. There's definitely going to be a difficult market for opportunities. I feel that technology will always be a good market because we always want new cell phones, computers and many other things. If I got a degree in something scientific, I would probably be better off. I could always go for my MBA if I wanted to go into business later in life. Would I have time to do it? Would I commit to it? Would I stay with it? Would I slack off? I'm not sure. I'm slacking right now so would it be any different if I changed majors?

I'm just confused right now and I don't know what to do.